(Scene cuts to Astros office)â†µ
DRAYTON MCLANE: Thank you so much Ed, now that you've acquired Clint Barmes, I can finally do the only thing left to do. (Terrifying B-Roll Horror Movie Stare) (screams out) Sell the Astros!
ED WADE: (confused) Wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaat?
MCLANE: Yes Ed, with Clint Barmes safely in fold, my revenues will quadruple, maybe quintiple! There's no other thing to do but to sell now.
WADE: Bu-bu-bu-but real ownership wouldn't stand for my ideas on how every trade I make need to involve crusty white veterans or ex-Phillies!
MCLANE: No, they won't. But the important thing is I don't have to worry about it anymore.
(Scene cuts to dice game in back of Drayton's grocery store)
MCLANE: Aww aww! Come on! You can't roll this many 7's in a row!
TRON: Drayton you just mad cause America (emphasized a) doesn't want me to own anything. You're keeping the man down. Maybe TRON should just buy the Astros Drayton. What you think about that?
MCLANE: (exaggerated with camera pans) Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
-College Basketball: Texas Longhorns @ (5) Pittsburgh Panthers -- 6 PM, ESPN2 -- Brad Wanamakes this Coaches Versus Cancer crown go home to Pittsburgh with him.
-Houston Rockets @ Toronto Raptors -- 6 PM, FS Houston -- I'm not trying to say Andrea Bargnani can't rebound, but if this post was a rebound, he accidentally clicked out of the window while trying to scroll down.
-Oklahoma City Thunder @ Boston Celtics -- 6 PM, ESPN -- Bill Simmons torn between rooting for old team who won him title, young team that would surely have been the Celtics in best-case scenario land.
-Chicago Bulls @ Dallas Mavericks -- 8:30 PM, ESPN -- Remember when I said this post was hypothetically a rebound? It hypothetically came because Taj Gibson can't shoot.
-College Football: Fresno State @ (4) Boise State -- 8:30 PM, ESPN2 -- Maybe Boise would get more street cred if they had their games broadcast on nights other than Friday. Just saying.
-Washington Capitals @ Atlanta Thrashers -- 6:30 PM, NHL Network -- Thrashers is such an awkward name for a sports franchise. I want to call them either the trashers or the threshers, but they're something between that. Oh and Alex Ovechkin is playing too, that's alright I guess.