Lemme tell you, Tirico, this here is a guy who isn't afraid to hand a whole blog post over to a Jon Gruden impression on his first day as quarterback. You can't teach fearlessness like that. Aggressive? Sure. But that's a trait I want in my starting quarterback. You need to throw the ball around and not play scared, just like Peyton Manning, who I call The Sheriff. I wasn't scared when I came up with that nickname, despite Manning playing in the NFL for many years and defying all nicknames that came to be attached to him. I want my quarterback to throw like I come up with nicknames, and I want them to make as little sense as possible if they have to.
Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts: 7:30 PM, ESPN. - The Texans will get on Monday Night Football, possibly to define their quest for the playoffs, and possibly to embarrass themselves. It's hard to tell which is which after enough time watching Frank Bush's defense.
San Francisco Giants @ Texas Rangers: 6:30 PM, FOX - Possibly your last chance to watch a team from Dallas fail in a meaningful game until the NBA playoffs.
Portland Trailblazers @ Chicago Bulls: 8:00 PM, NBA TV - Winner gets sole possession of the red/black/white color scheme.
Chicago Blackhawks @ New York Rangers: 7:00 PM, NHL Network - Pavel Bure's unretirement is an awesome scenario to pick up interest in this game. It's too bad it isn't actually happening.
Complimentary Loaves Of Bread
The Women Of SNL: 9 PM, NBC - If you weren't already watching the Texans, a fun drinking game would be a drink per time Cheri OTeri opens her eyes wide while staring away from the camera.
Moguls and Movie Stars: A History of Hollywood: 8 PM, TCM - Thomas Edison might be involved in this one, but I still say that we should just take it out on Eli Whitney.
Rotten Peach Cobbler
Mario Lopez: Saved By The Baby: 10:30 PM, VH1 - If there's anything more humiliating than actual fatherhood, it's probably watching Mario Lopez go through it.