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Arian Foster Is Up For Several Fake And Ridiculous Awards

Blah blah blah lockout. Blah blah blah losing games. Blah blah blah football football blah. 

ESPN's Paul Kuharsky informs us that our resident philosopher, Pterodactyl Linguist, and dominant rusher Arian Foster is up to win some... sigh... ESPYs. Silly as ESPYs and awards in general are, it's good for Foster to get some more-than-deserved recognition in his quest to stop being so criminally underpaid (I know, he's only done it for one year... I don't disagree, but there's no way this guy is going to disappear next year). Foster is slated to make $480,000 in 2011, by the way. I assume Rick Smith is going to hook this guy up, unless he is busy doing around-the-clock damage control. I digress.

So Foster is eligible in three categories, as follows:

Best Breakthrough Athlete against Jose Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays, tennis player Li Na, Cam Newton of Auburn and Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers.

NFL Strongest Performance against Washington's DeAngelo Hall and Seattle's Leon Washington.

Best NFL Player against New England's Tom Brady, Green Bay's Clay Matthews, Pittsburgh's Troy Polamalu and Green Bay's Aaron Rodgers.

Okay, this should be a skate for Foster. 

Best Breakthrough Athlete: Jose Bautista plays in Canada, Li Na plays tennis, and Cam Newton is too much of an entertainer and an Icon to trouble himself with awards. Blake Griffin plays in Canada also... or the Clippers. Also - he has no personality. Plus, there was a lot expected of these athletes, while Arian went undrafted. Advantage - FOSTER.

NFL Strongest Performance DeAngelo Hall? What was the performance? That one game where he had a bunch of picks, or THAT REST OF THE SEASON WHERE HE WAS TERRIBLE? Leon Washington is a return specialist and third on the depth chart behind Marshawn Lynch and Justin Forsett. Yes, he had a great performance but if this award is based on one game, the conversation begins and ends with Arian Foster's week one obliteration of the Indianapolis Colts. Advantage - FOSTER.

Best NFL Player against Tom Brady, Clay Matthews, Troy Polamalu, and Aaron Rodgers. Okay, fine - that's some stiff competition. Brady is Brady, and he gets to hit it with Gisele. Rodgers and Matthews are the Champs, and they're pretty damn good at what they do. Troy Polamalu is great but he talks and looks like Metallica's Kirk Hammett (not a compliment). Still, I think Foster's Pterodactyl skills trump winning Super Bowls and marrying billionaire supermodels, so let's call this one advantage - FOSTER. 

I can't believe I just gave attention to the ESPYs. Lockout blues.

Images by eflon used in background images under a Creative Commons license. Thank you.