Editorial Note: Every single quote in this article is made up. Every single one. All of the characters are fictional representations of your family members.
After an arduous trip to Gainesville, an emotion-packed home victory against South Carolina and their first trip to College Station in two decades, a much needed rest is on the way for Tigers fans. It's bye week in Bayou Country, a time to dial back to just one handle of bourbon per person on Saturday and reduce those jambalaya cooking portions to large family size from the staple tailgate-sized monstrosities of weekends past.
Rest couldn't come at a better time for the Tigers, fresh off a tough road victory and with reigning National Champion and consensus no. 1 team in the nation, Alabama, waiting in the wings. The Tigers are beat up, worn down and looking to restock on cedar chips and moonshine for the rest of the season.
For one weekend, and one weekend only, LSU fans will tuck away their giant smokers, barbecue pits, bourbon barrels, Abita kegs and the like, sit on the couch and pray Mississippi State figures out some way to sneak out of Tuscaloosa with a victory that could make next Saturday all the more relevant.
Jacques "Boom Boom" Babineaux, Tiger Tailgate Extraordinaire, testifies, "It's been a rough few weeks. After Gainesville, I wasn't sure we had much left to play for. Drank through all my bourbon and cashed two kegs out there. Those Gators ate all my damn Andouille too. Sons of bitches have no etiquette."
Still others remained optimistic. Marsha Sweet Mae" Tucker is just along for the ride. "I've been tailgating proper for damn near 30 years now. I've seen the lows. I've seen Hallman. I've seen Dinardo. I've see the highs, Nick, Les and the whole crew. A tricky four-game stretch in this day and age ain't gonna get me down." When pressed regarding whether or not her son, and starting Battle Shots partner, would be healthy for Alabama, Mae remained mum. "We'll have to see. We'll get him out there... see how he's feeling. We hope he can give it a go."
On the field, the Tigers aren't doing much to alleviate stress and alcohol consumption. Despite having a talent swell that could rival the Gulf, they continue to limp through victories against lesser opponents with an offensive attack that's as puzzling as it is ineffective. Just Saturday, the sluggish Tigers took four quarters to put away a decent, albeit overmatched, Texas A&M squad in College Station.
We up with a few of the Tiger faithful after the game, performing their regular weekend tradition of cashing the remaining kegs and polishing off any half-drank handles left in the stash. The left us with the following wisdom:
"A win is a win."
"[Geaux] to hell Nick!" (we can only assume this is how they spelled it mentally)
"I'm 4 years old. I'm 4 years old."
"Jeffery, Jeffery, Jeffery, Jeffery, Jeffery, Jeffery."
This, much like LSU's 2012 football season, makes absolutely zero sense. Good thing Tiger fans have a couple weeks to rest up for Alabama. Looks like they may need it to prepare their Nick Saban effigies for burning.