"This is Death Valley; this is truly a place where opponent's dreams come to die." - Les Miles
We are LSU.
We are tailgating starts on Thursdays. We are bourbon, yes, lots of bourbon. We are huge pots of gumbo and jambalaya. We are fried everything. Alligator? Yes. Oysters? Yes. Elephant? If only. We are the best cooks in the world. Our grandmother is better than your expensive personal chef. Way better. We are loaded cocktails and delicious beers. We are these things for breakfast. We are these things for lunch. We are these things for afternoon snacks. We are these things for dinner. When you go to sleep, we are still drinking. 4th quarter. Fingers up. Pour us another.
We are lion-tested, violent-minded football. We are Barkevious, Kwon, Jerqwinick and Kadron. We are bigger than you. But we are also faster than you. And we are also stronger than you. We are unfair. We are NES cheat codes. Up, down, up, down, right left, a b a a b, start select. Game over.
We are mean. Really mean. We knockout quarterbacks for fun. We enjoy the sight of your blood. We smear it on our faces for war paint. We hope that scares you. We know it does.
We are loud. So loud. South Carolina's ears are still ringing. That was 3 weeks ago. The noise is not deafening; it is life-threatening. Ever been scared by a sudden, loud crash? That's Tiger Stadium, on repeat, all night. We are too drunk to give a shit about decorum. We are foul, nasty, ugly. We don't mean well. We mean harm. We mean for you to be scared. We mean for you to fear. We hope this reflects in your football team. We know it will. We'll share beers later. Right now, it's Saturday night. We are enemies. Don't turn your back, we will stab you.
We give you our food, our drink. We want you fat and sleepy by half time. You won't out last us. You can't out last us. We are as tireless as our defense is strong.
Oh and on Saturday night? We are another animal. We are every bad thing you could ever imagine, piled on top of each other, together. Oh, and against Alabama? Multiply that by ten, dip it in bourbon, deep fry it and stick that in your gullet.
We are backbreaking, snot-bubble inducing, menacing football. We are Thomas Hobbes philosophies realized. We are tall hats and goofy sayings and TE reverses and 70-yard punts and 4th-down conversions and wins. We are wins and wins and wins. We are dangerous. We are hungry. We are do-anything-at-any-moment. We don't give a shit. We are Mike Tyson, protect your ears. We are big hits, deep throws and downhill running. We are deflating to your ego. We go longer than you. We go harder than you. We do everything you do... better.
We are dream killers. We are nightmare dealers.
Alabama, your dreams are on notice.
We are LSU.