Not yet tired of the amazing corporate juggernaut that is the NFL? Need some more crap with a Texans logo on it? The Texans recently relaunched their shop, getting rid of a few items. I was really hoping that they'd hold on to the clearance prices for their amazing Jason Babin jerseys, but apparently those were cleared out. So what is the bargain Texans fan looking at?
1) Houston Texans Acryllic Holliday Ornament - $5.99 - I'm not quite sure what this is supposed to be. It looks like a cross between the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and a gingerbread man. It's certainly super creepy though, which would make it a great Halloween decoration rather than a Christmas decoration. Make sure to rush order it so it gets there before Sunday, then you can place them all over your lawn and enjoy a night free from trick or treaters.
2) Reebok Houston Texans Camouflage Lifestyle Knit Beanie - $12.99 - I'm a big fan of extraneous words in item names, so I'm immediately drawn to "lifestyle." Is it a camouflage lifestyle? If so, this doesn't seem to fit, as the red Texans logo that is quickly sewn on makes you very visible. If it's not, is it lifestyle knit? Does that mean it's knit for life? Either way, I can only assume this was created for rap music videos, so good news if you work on those sets: the Texans are willing to save you $5 expressing your fandom. If you can call it that when the logo is barely on the product.
3) Houston Texans Mascot Stocking Hanger - $24.99 - A stocking hanger? Who hangs stockings? Who hangs stockings that likes the Texans? And uses a computer? Moreover, why does this just look like a cross with a Texans bull on top of it? This thing is perplexing on so many levels. Including price!
No word if the bull incinerates your stockings by breathing fire on them as you're away. Probably a design flaw, which is why it's in the clearance store at the first place.
4) Houston Texans 9'' Double Sided Car Window Light-Up Player - $19.99 - I don't really know what this is trying to do. Here's the product description:
No one will doubt your loyalty to the Texans when you cruise the streets with this car window light-up player!
I'm doubting your loyalty to the Texans if you choose having a light-up Oscar statue over a flag. I'm also doubting that you'll avoid getting into a car crash. I guess R&D wasn't so concerned with that one. And why does this look exactly like a golden Christmas Ornament?